August 2, 2009 - 10:10pm
Hey everyone. I'm in need of some advice. As some of you know, I am recovering from a recent surgery (a lumpectomy). Things are going well. One thing that I have noticed during my recovery is how much my husband does for me, even when I don't ask. Of course I appreciate how much he helps me. I couldn't even begin to think about what life would be like without him. However, I also noticed that sometimes he tends to help me too much. Sometimes I think I have gotten so used to him doing stuff for me that when I am able to do it I don't speak up. Other times I'll go to do something and he'll just jump in and do it for me. Like I said, I appreciate everything he does for me and would be lost without him, but I also kind of feel helpless at times. I guess I feel guilty too when he does so much for me because I know he works hard and works a lot. I kind of feel like helping people he loves is part of his identity. Prior to meeting me, my husband took care of his disabled father- Don't worry, I didn't steal my hubby away, thereby leaving his dad high and dry. His dad actually got remarried before we did and now his dad lives with his new wife.- Anyway, it kind of feels like a big part of his identity is deriving pleasure out of helping those he loves, especially when it comes to health. The thing that I kind of need advice on is how do I let him know that sometimes I want to do things for myself? At times I really feel like he treats me like I'm a porceline doll. I know he's doing it because he loves me deeply and doesn't want me to hurt myself, but sometimes I feel like I'm taking advantage of him and/or I'm not able to do anything for myself. We have a really great relationship and can talk with each other about anything, so I know I can talk with him about this. I just want advice on how to treat the subject gently because I know how much it means to him to help me out.
August 3, 2009 - 4:16am
#2
JJ touched on the big issue.
JJ touched on the big issue. To what extent, if any, are you really taking advantage of his compassion? The fact that you are mindful of it is a good sign but even if you aren't outright abusing his altruistic tendencies you might be feeling a bit enabeled not to do things you probably could do on your own. Given that you are recovering from surgery its probably best to let him do a majority of things, even if you could do them yourself. But once you have mostly recovered be sure to start taking over doing what your health allows you to do.
Judging from the little information I have it sounds like he is a really good guy so I think just being upfront about it would yield good results. But if you are trying to say it in a way that doesn't offend him or put him off in anyway there are a few things to consider. First of all, make it abundantly clear that you genuinely appreciate his heart of service. Acknowledge that he works hard in his job and how his continued assistance at home really testifies to his good charater. Then let him know that you are equally concerned and committed to his well being as he is to yours. This will lead into your concern that he may become burnt out with his efforts or even that his service may cause him to resent you, if that is a real concern.
Let him know that you would like to do more for yourself and even more for him when your health allows it. Emphasize all the reasons that it is important for you to be somewhat independent and for him to be able to relax when he is at home. I'm sure you can come up with a couple reasons for each. It may even be helpful to come up with a few examples of things you would like to do for yourself that he has been doing.
As long as you never lose the tone of appreciation in this conversation, I can't imagine it going too bad. There are some people who might take the request to back off with the helping behavior as some kind of insult but he doesn't sound like the type.
Best
August 3, 2009 - 7:25am
#3
Truth
I have always found that telling the truth and how you feel about certain situations is the best thing to do. Just tell him to back off a tad, no big deal. He would probably appreciate it.
August 3, 2009 - 9:13am
#4
Hi Kelly, Q here . . .
Well JJ, Oneir, and Herball pretty much stole all of my advice, the rotters! You're in familiar territory here I guess, what with most of us regulars being caregivers in a sense. A5 and I haven't come up with a foolproof solution, that's for sure. I still get mad when she tells me to slow down when I'm overexerting myself . . . which is too often. However, I'd really get upset if she didn't tell me, see what I mean? Herball hit the nail right on target about honesty. Perhaps the first time you say "I can do it myself." will hurt your husband a bit but over time it will turn into a comedy routine like ours . . . "The Q 'n A5 Show". We do laugh over and about our respective disabilities and it eases our lives. Perhaps a bit of humour could be injected into your plea for personal responsibility, that's all I can add to the advice given above. Have a reduced pain week, Kelly . . .
Q
August 3, 2009 - 10:44pm
#5
Kelly:
Would tell your compassionate spouse that part of Our Daily therapy is using Our muscles an joints as much as possible, would tell him that you appreciate what He is doing, an that if You do need help You will ask, an that You will continue to LOVE Him the same.
sometimes it is aggravating for a spouse to treat one as if they where a baby, although his intentions are good , His main concern may be trying to comfort You, in a time that might be a time of high anxiety, Your surgery, You not knowing the results, an what to come whether good or bad.
I think He will be understanding Woodstock.
p.s. like Lucy that will be 1 nickel
August 3, 2009 - 11:46pm
#6
Kelly
You're one of the most compassionate, well-spoken human beings I have ever had the pleasure of communicating with.
I'm quite sure that if you speak from the heart, you'll be able to convey your feelings without offending your husband in the least.
All my best to you both.
August 4, 2009 - 12:36am
#7
Awww, thanks you guys. This
Awww, thanks you guys. This is some great advice and really gives me the confidence to bring it up with him. My biggest fear is that I'll hurt his feelings or come off as unappreciative. I really want him to know how much I do appreciate what he does for me and don't want to downplay that. I am so lucky to have someone who is so willing to do so much for me at least. Thanks again for helping me out with this...it's just what I needed. =)
You are not taking advantage... its a great way for him to show how much he loves and cares for you. I am sure there are things he is grateful that you do and just being his other half is enough. Some people enjoy doing things for people they care about. I think it could hurt his feelings if you wanted him to not want you to do things for you.
I am sure you guys have a mutual relationship and you are not trying to keep on raising the bar to see how much he will do. Be thankful you have such a wonderful man and I am sure you would do the same for him if he was ever in a position that he needed something that you could do for him. Dont feel bad, I know I personally like doing things for people to show how much I care. Especially when people dont ask because I believe it means more and you are thinking about him/her.
Well I hope my point of view helps, and take care and hope your healing keeps going well.