My Necessity, His Addiction

You are in a very tough position.  I know first hand how hard it is to live with an addict, and I also know what it is like to BE the addict.

If you are really trying to make your relationship work, you both need to be flexible.  I know in your mind that keeping him off of drugs will be better for both of you, and you are probably right.  But at this point, if you give him an ultimatum, you are both being setup for heartache.

I would wager that 99.9% of addiction ESPECIALLY opiod addictions take many, many tries before the habit is actually kicked.  If he does have a serious addiction, he will relapse.  I cant guarantee it, but come on.  If he is already bargaining a usage schedule, do you really think he is going to put it out of his mind, and leave it in the past?

If you have never been an addict, then you will never understand what the ultimatum of "pills or me" is. For me, I loved my girlfriend to no end, and I always said that I would never put anything above her.  It has been a year now since we spoke.  I was always faithful, loving, attentive, hardworking, as was she.  I agreed to stop using, but within 3 weeks I was back to daily use.  She had given me a zero-tolernce policy, so when she found out, it was over.

I am not saying that you are wrong to want him to be clean, but if you truly want a life with him, you need to be flexible.  Prohibition does not work in most cases, and it will take a long time, and relapses before he will see "light", so-to-speak".

Are you opposed to him being on Suboxone or methadone?  My girlfriend was, and we didnt last a month.  Quitting narcotics is the hardest thing I have ever attempted, because you have to truly want to quit.  If you try to quit for someone else, you are setting yourself up for failure, and both parties will be hurt.  My girlfriend faulted herself, and believed that I cared more for pills than I did her, which was far from true.  But, something always makes you go back, no matter how hard you try.

So by all means, help him, and be tough.  But in order to keep you relationship, you need to understand that it wont be an overnight process, and keep in mind that if he does relapse, it is not out of disrespect for you, and you shouldnt take it personally.  Be firm, but understanding.

If Anney (ex) would have shown some compassion, instead of an iron fist, we would probably be happily married, and I would probably be clean (from illicit use.  I am a pain patient, on top of being an addict).

Good luck. 

I can really sympathize with your situation. I need to take Oxycontin as ATC pain med with Dilaudid for B/T. Until very recently, I lived in a wonderful and huge loft apartment in a carriage house in one the city's tonier "historic districts" and I had great neighbors downstairs who become very, very good friends. We did almost everything together. We even adopted our identically white kittens (hers a female; mine a male) from the same litter, and when I was gone for length of time, I would leave my kitty downstairs to play with his sister and be watched by Tamara and Ethan, the neighbors. After their tenancy ended but before they could get into their new place, they moved into one of my extra bedrooms as temporary guests, with, of course, access to everything in the house. After they left, I discovered that Tamara -- who was also my BEST FRIEND for years -- was stealing and selling my pain meds on the street. This explains how she was able to go to school since September without working. I also learned she was liberally taking my meds illegally and without prescription. Of course, nobody who is not opioid tolerant should be taking 80 mg. Oxycontins, and this no doubt affected her judgment. This left me asking for early refills, wondering how I would run out early, and even believing I must have been taking pills in the middle of the night whilst asleep. The ONLY good part about learning of the theft was that I figured out I was not losing pills or taking them when I was not supposed to. I am still remain DEVASTATED by the violation of trust that occurred here (in fact, I started crying just typing the above sentence). I tried to talk to her boyfriend, Ethan, who was supposedly my friend, too, to see if Tamara had a problem with these meds and needed help.  I would have paid for treatment if she needed or wanted it! Instead, Ethan was the classic co-dependent and refused to discuss it, almost screaming at me that all I was trying to do was poison him against Tamara. I feel like I have lost what were my two best friends. So, my advice to anyone in this kind of situation is: 1. Do not have a "no tolerance" policy and be flexible as suggested above because even addicts doing well in treatment sometimes relapse, and there must an atmosphere in which they can talk about that without major recriminations. I would, though, urge a policy of "zero tolerance" (or at least, minimal tolerance) for failing to communicate honestly; 2. Keep temptation to a minimum by locking up your meds and getting your sig other a Sub script (not a methadone script as it can be combined with agonists by the addict). I still feel like the thievery in my house was my fault because I did not lock things up, thus increasing temptation for someone who was or who turned out to be an addict; 3. Be aware that even if your sig other (or guest or whomever) does not use opiates or cannot use them (e.g., Ethan gets sick on them), they still may be tempted to steal because they can get money by selling the medicine on the street. In general, be wary of anyone not fully functional, and by that I mean employed (if appropriate for age, etc.), socializes without major problems, doesn't lie for no reason or stupid reasons, and has a sense of balance in their life. Good luck.

That is really a difficult thing to be in. I need medication for daily living but what I have read so far as in advice given to you by others, isn't half bad. Lock up the pills and don't take them right in front of him is what I would suggest. That is the most critical thing to do, I think. Like if someone is trying to quit alcohol, you wouldn't crack open a beer in front of them is what I mean.

Goodluck and write back to give us updates!!

You both are in a tough position. But I say with confidence that being an addict is a constant battle and people that don't have that addictive gene cannot and should not infer or believe they know or understand addicted brains.  The word addict carries a connotation that is bs anyway. Brain chemistry takes over early when using drugs.  With that concept in mind, approaching your problem can become a joint effort, a problem that you can work on managing together. If he wants to get high and/or hasn't reached the point of detesting his drug,  than it may be a lost cause. But if he wants out of the narcotic cycle, there are meds that can help balance brain chemistry so life is livable without the illicit meds his brain craves. Smart Drugs or Nootropics are the future of medicine but big pharma and fda slow down their availability. But they are attainable, legally. Research research research. Hedweb.com is a great place to start and leads to more resources. I will say having his drug of choice in the 'cookie jar' is a real set-up, at least in the beginning. Is it possible to have them accessible but not in the home ie; a neighbor or somewhere close but not in the home? Maybe not, but I imagine that would eliminate one issue of his accessing them, but also speak volumes to him about your willingness to be apart of his abstinence. As trite as this sounds, the unit, team and partnership mentality is so powerful for couples. What is to be will be, but exhaust all possibilities if you are invested and committed to each other. Know you can't save him though and never let that follow you should it not work. If you both get through, know you were a part of that process as well.  Warm regards and knowledge is power...

If you need any info or leads, I would be happy to provide or help in anyway.  

An addict can never be a recreational user.  I support your decision that he has to be clean in order to make the relationship work.  You are in a way enabling his addictive behavior by supplying him with prescription drugs to minimize his withdrawal symptoms. 

He needs to be in a treatment program.  His chances of recovering on his own, even with the medication you are channeling to him are low.  I have several patients with family members or other people in the household with a medical need for narcotics who are using suboxone.  It keep the desire to use suppressed and if they do use a narcotic, they get no effect from it.